it hit me so hard this year. who knows why. maybe because of all the transitions in my life, i feel like i have no footing or structure. it hit me so hard that on the 24th i was sent by my couples therapist with my new husband to the hospital for an a**essment for intake for inpatient hospitalization for my own suicidal feelings/thoughts/ideations. i talked to the doctors at the hospital and mustered the strength to develop a safety plan and keep the faith.
i don't know how to explain this but there was this part of me that wanted to be with you Sara SO bad. SO SO SO SO bad. you and my mother. that is all i could think of on the 24th. i just wanted to get rid of this pain and be happy with you- carefree, dancing, flying, singing, painting, glowing, reading, swimming. i wanted to be with you dressing up and cooking and having adventures. that is all i wanted. to get rid of this pain and be with you in glory and joy.
and i choose live. and you are a HUGE, huge more than i can even understand myself, HUGE inspiration for me in that.
i miss you and i want to be with you and i guess for now I will have to find another way until we meet in heaven or another life or whatever.
i love you like crazy,
autumn |
